Battle of the Belly

I have been writing and re-writing the opening of this blog to try and explain why I haven't blogged in a long time but you know what? It doesn't matter. I'm here now and that's what counts.

Right now I am in the midst of the most difficult battle in this whole mission to self-love – The Battle of the Belly. My belly is without a doubt the part of me I hate the most. I can be positive about my legs and my arms too though we still have some work to do there. I like my hands and feet and my eyes but my belly is a totally different beast. It is not flat, it's not even smooth and cute like some overweight bellies. No it's protruding ribs and multiple rolls that only grow bigger when I sit. It's the part of me I compare with other women. It's the aprt of me I get most nervous about people touching or seeing. Its' the part of me I've blamed most for the things in my life that haven't gone the way I wanted them to.

How do I turn that much hate into love?

Well, drawing a huge amount of inspiration from the wonderful book that is Body Positive Power by @bodyposipanda I have started to keep a belly wall. A selection of photographs of a variety of bellies. All different shapes, colours and sizes and I look at them. I tell myself what I like about them. Somedays it's the same thing as I think everyday and other days it's something new I've noticed but it's always positive and I never compare them to my own.

I've also started to look at my own belly more. I know that sounds weird but I really have not looked at it with a sense of curiosity before. Normally I look at it and wonder how I can change it, why it doesn't look good in that H&M dress that I been hankering after for ages (because H&M sizes are the devil that's why) and why, oh why, no matter how many Davina fitness DVDs I do will it not get smaller?

Now, I've started to look at it with curiosity. I look at the shape of it and think of what it reminds me of – rolling waves, bulbous tress, a crumpled up duvet or bread dough (mmmm bread....). I watch it change throughout the day and try to give reasons for it. It's bigger because I've just eaten, my womb is building up for the period of a lifetime or it's fricking hot and my body seems to expand in the heat. Smaller? Well it's the morning and I've been fasting all night or I just had a massive poop. So far it really is making a difference and I'm not looking at my body as a good or bad thing most days. It's just a body. Like all other humans out there. No better and no worse but equally as extraordinary.

On saying that, it's a month until my birthday. A month until I'm going to be on Brighton beach in a bikini in front of people I know and love and several strangers I imagine - who will be mainly be considering out mental status considering we are about to jump in to the freezing water. One month away and I don't feel like I'm quite okay with showing my belly to people yet. It's weird to be in two different head spaces at once with your thoughts on your body but that's where I feel I am. Making a lot of positive progress most days but then still being gripped my fear and held back by all the negative ideas I've had for the past 22 years about my body. And when you feel so close to the change. So close to the edge. You've got to jump and hope you fly.

In that vain, I am going to share a picture of my stomach daily until my birthday. I can't explain how terrified I am right now of doing this but I think by sharing the part of my body I hate the most to a much wider pool of people than will be on that beach that day then in a months time that bit will seem like a piece of cake.

Or it will all backfire massively and there'll be pictures of my stomach on the internet for all of time that will send me into a spiral everytime I see them but hey, what's life without a little risk?

Belly Picture Number 1 – The Battle has commenced.

(Sorry it's so massive - no idea how to resize it! )