But she’s prettier….

Goals are funny things. I usually never set goals because they don’t really motivate me instead, they tend to hang over me as a reminder that I’m failing on a daily basis when I’m not reaching the goal. I decided to tackle this fear of goals with my bikini project and in the beginning I found the joy of motivation from it. Each little step felt like a victory but recently life has been hectic, both personally and professionally, and I feel like I’ve not taken a single step forward and the guilt has set in. Everyday I wake up knowing I haven’t blogged in ages and the guilt has set on my shoulder staring at me with it’s smug fecking face reminding em that it’s been a week, two weeks, oh dear, three weeks…… However, I would like to flick the fecker off my shoulder and say that I have been trying to do things though even if I haven’t put it in writing.

For the first time in my life I’m going a whole summer without wearing tan tights. As a super pale person tan tights are a weird phenomenon as, in my head, they make my legs look like the legs of a bronze goddess whereas in reality other people just see a slightly darker shade of pale. I realised this last year and decided to go without this Summer and OH MY JEEBUS it’s so much cooler. How did I survive the heat with those on? The joy of a little breeze on my bare legs on a hot day is the new wonder of my life and sure, my legs still look like a frozen chicken from Tescos and yes, I have a billion bruises from work (I crawl a lot and bruise like a peach!) that make me look like a grown up toddler who’s learning to walk and I’m currently sitting in a park with my legs covered in grass because factor 50 sunscreen is basically glue but that breeze guys. That breeze.

I have also started shouting at myself in my head. Whenever I say anything bad to myself I turn into an overbearing sports mom who grills her child after a terrible performance. “What did you just say to yourself?!! I do not want to hear you say that again. That’s why you are getting nowhere. Positive mental attitude! How many times do I have to say it?” Now, I’m not sure this is not particularly healthy as when I have bad days I just make myself feel a million times worse but at least I’m highlighting negative thought behaviour. I just need to figure out how to do it in a less terrifying way.

Speaking of sports, I’ve spoken before about how I never really enjoyed sports and thus neglected to move my body for a long time. Well, currently, I’m working on a show that’s quite physical. There’s a lot of pointless running, lunging, twirling and dancing. Granted most of it is of my own making but it means I don’t really have to do any other exercise (in terms of maintaing my weight. I am still a flabby, weak mess and need to tone up more but that’s another day) and it means I enjoy moving my body. It doesn’t feel like exercise. It just feels like playing and there’s something very freeing about using your body like that.

We had our summer party the other day which was essentially a good old fashioned sports day. Now normally this would fill me with the fear of three nellies but I actually was super excited. I just brought the sense of play I bring to my shows everyday and it made it so much more fun. I didn’t care that I was out of breath, red in the face and couldn’t hit a ball to save my life. None of that mattered.The only thing I regretted is that I didn’t calm it down a bit because it’s four days later and I’m still aching.

It all feels like good progress but there is still one thing that is very prevalent and consistently bringing me down and that’s how much I compare myself to other women. I share a green room with THE MOST BEAUTIFUL women who are all super confident and lovely. They have absolutely no qualms walking around the room and holding full conversations in their bra and meanwhile I’m in the corner trying to take a sports bra off while putting on my other bra under a top praying that no one looks in my direction. They all have better hair, teeth, ears, legs, bellies, feet, laughs – the list goes on. Now, the sensible part of my brain says this is not true and we are all beautiful and have loads to offer but the other part of my brain is like BOLLOX!

It has made me wonder about the industry I work in and whether that is a major factor in all my body woes. As an actor I am constantly comparing myself to other women. When I hear about them getting auditions or asked to do projects with friends you wonder why you weren’t picked? I feel that I am a good actor (Ugh feels wanky to say that. I apologise.) so when I’m not chosen I don’t compare our acting abilities because I feel equal in that department but instead I compare aesthetics.. The industry seems to favour beautiful women and I don’t fit that current model. I am not skinny enough to be a lead and not fat enough to be the comedy role. Yes beauty trends do change but will that happen in my lifetime? If I really want this should I start the weight loss programme now?

I am struggling with accepting my body in terms of the industry I work in. Do I risk never working and becoming better at what I do by not conforming and accepting my body as it is? Or do I give in and convert my body to industry standards and live with this body anxiety forever?

I’m sorry that’s a whole load of questions and not a lot of answers. This is probably why I haven’t posted a blog in a long time. It’s hard to write when you feel you have nothing to say. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place in terms of my body and work but at least I’m feeling that breeze on my legs eh?

#bodyimage #bodyconfidence #selfdevelopment #loveyourself #bikinibody #selfesteem #bodypositive