It's Time To Come Out Of Hiding

Recently, I looked in the mirror and I was sad. I was sad because my posture is so bad and my teeth are wonky. I was sad because I was seeing neglect.

I spent so much of my life devastated that I wasn’t pretty. Embarrassed by my body and frustrated that it didn’t look like the pretty girls. Crying and singing ‘On My Own’ in the shower too many times because no one fancied me.

Walking with my head down so no one would see the acne on my face and so I couldn’t see them laughing at me or recoiling in horror. Turning my feet in as I walked so my wide legs and wide arse took up less space. Pulling on the straps of my school bag so that my shoulders curled forward hiding the fact that I had no boobs. Not brushing my teeth because that meant staring at my face in the mirror for an unbearable three minutes. All my muscles constantly tense because I was so stressed about what a shit human being I was. Curling my body up tight so no one would see it. Classic hedgehog move.

Today, I am on the other side of so many of those thoughts and behaviours (not all - we all have to deal with what the lighting on Zoom is doing to our self image!) but I’m left with a body that has had to handle years of abuse and I feel sad. Imagine what my body would look like now if I had been kind to it? Ironically, it might look more like the body I always dreamed of having!

When I noticed my body like this, I thought of this excerpt from "The Twits" by Roald Dahl that has stuck with me ever since I read it as a child.

I always associated the ugly thoughts in this book with evil thoughts or mean thoughts towards others, like the ones Mr and Mrs Twit had. However, standing looking in the mirror, I realised that ugly thoughts can also be mean thoughts towards yourself and that those kind of mean thoughts can also change you physically.

In the course of this blog, I have done so much work around changing my self-talk and the thought patterns I engage with, in terms of changing what's happening inside my head. I have analysed, and am continually working on, my relationship to what I do physically, in terms of my emotional connection to exercise. However, I haven't really engaged with how the negative effects of bullying myself have manifested physically.

I think all the work I have been doing around connecting with my body this month has led me to now see that link clearly and I want to correct it. Not because I want to achieve some ideal body and not because I think it will make me prettier or more desirable but because I want to hold my body the way it would hold itself if I hadn't bullied it into submission.

I am starting by holding my head up and looking at the world with curiosity. I am walking from my hips and taking up all the space I need (don’t worry I am not going full man spreader. I am not that asshole.). I am rolling my shoulders back and showing off those mammary lumps of goodness. I am brushing my teeth and figuring out if there is any way I can afford dental care and braces. I am taking my tongue down from the roof of my mouth, taking three deep breaths and relaxing. Uncurling now that it's safe. Classic hedgehog move.