Lost in Space

This month's theme is Taking Up Space. This was sparked by an affirmation I shared on Instagram, not too long ago, which stated “I am allowed to take up space”. Sharing this came off the back of me noticing, for the first time, the physical effect that the years of self-hate had had on my body. My posture is bad - rounded shoulders, head that juts out, slumping in every chair I sit in etc. I spent years trying to curl myself inward like a bud with all its flowers scrunched into the smallest possible space. Not consciously of course. I just hated how I looked so much that I didn’t want to be seen. I also knew that taking up space was a bad thing.

When I was very young and the extended family were all together for a gathering, sometimes we would have to change location but someone, nearly always, had been drinking which meant the same group of people that had arrived in three or four cars, now had to fit in two. Everyone squashed on top of each others laps with screams of “Fuck! Your arse is boney”, “If we see the Gards you better duck!” and “Ah can you just squidge up a bit?” “I’m already against the fucking door” etc. etc.

I would say that before the age of seven this did not bother me in the slightest. In fact, I loved it. It was always so funny and it was never for very long. However, when I was aware that I had become “fat”, at about the age of 8, I absolutely dreaded any suggestions of this. I looked at the space inside the car and knew that my arse was too big to fit into the small space that my other cousins occupied and if I decided to sit on someone’s lap it was met with comments of “Jesus, Amy! You’ve put on some weight haven’t ya? My knees are breaking.” I would try to squeeze every inch of me tighter but it was never enough to stop the comments or the feeling of shame that someone was pressed up against the door because my arse was bigger than theirs. It was my fault that others were uncomfortable. By taking up space, I was depriving others of a nice car journey. Never mind that I was also just growing as a human being and was obviously much bigger than I was when I was a toddler. Never mind that no matter the combination of people, it was always uncomfortable to squeeze 5 people into the backseat of an Opal Corsa.

My sudden weight gain was due to a variety of factors, one of which was stopping Irish dancing. In Irish dancing it’s very important that everything is quite controlled and centred, that your arms and hands stay close to your body and that you take up as little room as possible, especially if you are in a tiny GAA hall with 300 other dancers on a competition day. I was very used to not taking up much room. In fact, it was praised when you didn’t. Suddenly, I stopped dancing, gained weight and was taking up much more space. A fact that was not lost on any family member around me who all seemed to think it was fair game for them to have an opinion on an 8 year old child's appearance and to voice that opinion to her regularly (tip to those around young children, don’t comment on their appearance.). So I learned - taking up space was bad. I was bad for taking up space.

As I grew up, this idea of taking up space stayed with me. I was very shy and often wouldn’t speak up except with friends I felt comfortable with, if it was to do with schoolwork or if I was in a school show. As I got older still, I found confidence in my sense of humour and ability to make friends quickly and so my shyness fell away except around new groups of people or anyone I deemed to be cooler than me. I joined a youth theatre and I discovered that when you are playing a character you can take up as much space as you like. Theatre loves big characters and very importantly, you had to make sure you were seen from all parts of the audience. For the first time, I was allowed to take up space and I absolutely loved it. I threw myself into physical theatre and exploring space with my body. I hadn’t enjoyed movement that much since I first started Irish dancing.

Sadly, this sense of freedom in taking up space has remained in the rehearsal rooms and theatres that I am very lucky to have continued to work in. When I am myself, I dread the thought of squeezing past a person in a bar or when a friend says “Come on share my seat” and budges up leaving a space that wouldn’t accommodate my left nostril let alone half my arse. I still walk with my head down, though I have been trying to fix that. Each time I notice that I am looking down, I look up or I give myself games as I am walking (spot seven red things, count the houses on this street etc.). However, I still can not work out how you walk down a set of steps without looking down and whoever can teach me this magic will gain my love forever.

I am trying to roll back my shoulders and stand a little taller with the help of yoga. Yoga (when I do it!) helps with tuning me back into my body so that I can feel the difference between bad and good posture which is then allowing me to make corrections little by little.

And finally, I am trying to convince my mind that taking up space is not the worst thing in the world, that it does not have to be scary and that it’s okay to be seen. I feel that I am uncurling little by little, like a bud in Spring beginning to blossom.