My First Time and it Felt Good

Last week I made a little trip to the country with friends. Before we left we were all told to bring our swimming gear as there would be a pool - instantly I got nervous. The group I was going with are all very confident, handsome folk and the thought of getting my flabby, pasty skin out in front of them made my legs go a bit funny. Then I slapped myself in the face. Well, not literally but I did stop those negative thoughts fairly lively. I reminded myself that these friends have been super supportive of my blog and that they also wouldn't care what I looked like as it would all be about the fun we were having in the pool. I still almost packed my swimming togs but stopped myself and only brought my bikini.

When we arrived the weather was shit. It was raining and windy and not supportive of any swimming pool antics and I was surprised but it made me sad. I thought that a get out like that would fill me with joy but it didn't. I guess I had built myself up so much to wear the bikini and had got myself to the point where I was excited to see how it would all work out that I was upset I wouldn't get the opportunity to do that.

However, on the third day the weather improved and it was time for the bikini and a swim. It was super nerve wracking as I woke up late and everyone else had already been in the pool so they were just sitting around taking in the sun. My friends sister and mother who I had only briefly met were also there. I had to do the bikini walk of shame past them all on the way to the pool. I tried to focus on the cold water ahead and how best to tackle that and not on how much my bum and legs were wobbling as I walked.

I didn't stay in the water long as it was fecking freezing and being on your own in a pool is no fun. The downside of coming out of the pool is that the bikini, which I was afraid was unflattering before, had now become skin tight as it was so wet. The walk back tot he table felt very exposing and not good. Everyone was super lovely though and complimented me on my bikini and I started to appreciate how flattering it was. However once I sat down I put a towel around my belly and put my dress on not soon after that.

I'm clearly still quite conscious of how flabby and white my body is but I did truly feel that the bikini suited me. I was way more comfortable than I expected and I'm excited to wear it again. I do feel I've made a massive shift. My brain definitely jumps to positive thoughts a lot quicker and automatically reprimands me when I'm being negative. For the first time I can feel the move forward and it feels great.