One Small Step For Progress

This week I have felt like a huge failure which is ironic since last week I wrote about how no one can be a failure but rather we can all experience failures. Over and over again, I am reminded that knowing something logically and embodying that in your life are two very different things and take a lot of practice.

At the minute, I am not feeling great in my body. My body shape has changed in the last year, as I imagine it has for a lot of people, due to our lives being completely turned upside down and all of our usual patterns being disrupted. Naturally, my body could not have stayed the same through all of this.

Yes it could have. You were just lazy and didn’t exercise.

Actually I have been exercising. Just all those little steps that we take from place to place have disappeared.

You have been eating an awful lot of cheese.

I bloody love cheese and can eat as much of it as I like. Food is a real treat at the minute as a lot of the usual joys in my life have been removed.

Face it you’re a slob. You could be exercising harder but you're lazy. You should be eating food with less calories but you are a glutton. You are pathetic, You are ugly. You’ll never get work as an actress. Actresses are skinny with great skin, hair and teeth. Have you not seen the golden globe nominations?

Etc. Etc. Et fucking cetera.

That’s pretty much how the conversation has been going every time I look in the mirror at the minute and at the rate I wash my hands in a pandemic - that’s a lot.

And I feel like a failure.

I feel like I have been doing this blog for four years so I shouldn’t be having these thoughts. I feel like I am trying to help people feel better about themselves and their bodies so I am letting them down when I think this way. I feel I am letting myself down because I should not be that mean to myself.

I feel I am letting myself down because I should not be that mean to myself.

I’ll say it one more time

I feel I am letting myself down because I should not be that mean to myself.

That sentence is the one that didn’t appear four years ago. That sentence is progress. That sentence is how I know all of this is working. I know that seems tiny. I know you may think, “Amy you write a blog and think about your body all the time and you are only this far? What hope is there for me?” which is a fair point. But you’ve been reading the blogs. You’ve been thinking about it. You’ve been doing the work too. You are just not a narcissist who needs to put your life online! You may also absorb things a lot quicker than I do.

I feel I am letting myself down because I should not be that mean to myself.

This sentence let’s me know that even on the darkest of days, I know I am being mean to myself, that I am not realistically assessing myself and that the cruel voice is just one of many voices in my head so there's no reason to believe that it's the one who is right.

This sentence is progress not failure.

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I am hosting the next 'Your Body Your You' chat on the 20th February 2021 from 10.30-11.30am GMT. This is an informal chat over Zoom with people from all walks of life allowing people the space to talk about their relationship with their bodies, share useful resources and enjoy a nice cup of tea alongside it! This month we are using 'Failure' as an inspiration point. If you would like to join us sign up here: https://forms.gle/g7fLUgPLvuq8uEed6 and you will receive the joining details 24 hours in advance.

See you there!

A

xxx