Other Women, Exercise and Feeling Stuck

So it has taken me a long time to write this blogpost (seven drafts in fact!). Mainly because I have so many thoughts on so many different things in my head right now and none with definite conclusions or answers that I’ve been struggling to find an eloquent way of expressing it all. I’ve been trying to isolate at least one of these thoughts and just writing a piece about that but it’s just turned into a rambling mess so I’m giving in and putting all my thoughts in one post. I’ve included headings to make it easier and so you can skip the sections you’re not interested in.

Exercise

I have had a very negative relationship with exercise since I was about 8 years old when I put on lots of weight and noticed that my face goes very red when I exercise. Exercising became a punishment. I had to exercise because I ate too much, was too fat and ugly but I hated exercise because it reminded me that I was a failure so I stopped. Every now again I would remember that exercise was good for me, made me feel good and made me slimmer so I would exercise again…. for a few months and then something would get in the way, I’d break my routine and not get back to it because I began to see exercise as the punisher again. I hated gyms because I was surrounded by women who were skinnier, less awkward and more at ease with exercise than me. I hated exercising outside because there were dogs everywhere (at the time I had a massive phobia of dogs).

Then in my mid-twenties I temped at a sports organisation. The type of place where people go on a lunchtime run and then still go to the gym AFTER WORK TOO. I felt very fat and very alone. However, one of the amazing women I worked with would come back after her run with the reddest face in the world and she didn’t give a feck and that started to open my eyes. I started to realise I was being silly. Who cared what people thought about my red face? And look at all these people – their figures are amazing! So I started going out for lunchtime jogs and joined the local gym. I was feeling pretty good until the Sport Relief Mile happened. One mile. I decided to run it because everyone can run a mile right? Plus I was killing it at the gym lately. It was torture. I felt stupid, unfit and awkward doing the warm-up alone. I had completely psyched myself out before we had even started running. That was it. My mind was in a dark place I couldn’t get out of. I was telling myself I couldn’t do it and my body believed me. I found it so difficult. I forgot my socks as well so was doing it in new runners barefoot which cut my feet. I crossed the finish line in an awful time, red faced and shoes full of blood. I was mortified.

It took me a long time before I would jog outside again. I discovered fitness videos which are awesome and allow you all the comfort of exercising with none of the embarrassment of other people (unless your housemates walk in on you mid squat) but you never know if you’ve got the positions right and there’s no one around to ask. Plus I think it’s hiding from the issues I have if I just hide away when I exercise.

I know exercise is important for health and for just being a human. Our bodies are designed and based around the fact that we should move a lot. I don’t do it because exercise has become my enemy, my torturer, and so obviously I need to change the way I think about it. How you ask? Haven’t got a fecking clue.

Posture

I sometimes run workshops to help people with public speaking and one of the ideas I introduce them to is power posing. There are certain positions that have been shown to decrease cortisol, the stress hormone, in your brain. The idea is that if you stand in these positions for about two minutes before a big speech or situation that would make you nervous, it will reduce your levels of stress and you will remain calm. It definitely works (This is a great TED talk on it) but it’s also opened up thoughts in my head about posture. My posture is awful. Years of carrying heavy schoolbags and walking with my head down has left it so. There are loads of studies around people with depression having bad or more inward postures and around posture and it’s connection to the emotional centres in the brain. It’s all very interesting but still new as an idea so evidence is slim but it has made me think. Maybe if I change my posture I might have more positive thinking patterns which could have a knock on effect to my body image.

Other Women

I’ve spent my whole life comparing myself to other women. They are always smarter, funnier, more beautiful, stronger, more together etc. etc. Being an actor means I’m constantly compared to other women my age in terms of “the right look” and it just leaves me feeling “Oh what’s the point! I should just give up.” but I don’t. Luckily, because I’m surrounded by wonderful people who tell me I’m being a dickhead. But I still do it all the time. I think that’s partly why the bikini thing has never happened because wearing a bikini around another woman would just send that part of me into overdrive. Evolutionary-wise we are programmed to assess other women – checking out the sexual competition if you will. When we were in small groups that was not overwhelming and just a simple part of life. However, nowadays with the bombardment of other women EVERYWHERE, thanks to the advertising gods, we are comparing ourselves pretty much 24/7 and processing that rationally is a nightmare for our brains. I want to shut this down and be able to look at other women, recognise all the things that make them wonderful and know that it doesn’t make me less of anything. How you ask? Haven’t a fecking clue.

Personal Style

What we wear says a lot about us. It’s a form of personal expression. What we choose to wear on the outside allows other human brains to surmise a lot of things about us including what type of person we are, what mood we are in, our cultural background etc. I have always felt that my clothes have never represented me for many reasons. When I was younger I thought caring about such things made me vapid, self-absorbed and unintelligent. I thought I had to dress like a librarian so people would think I was somewhat clever. Then as I got older I was too poor to buy the clothes I wanted/too afraid of the stigma of charity shops to shop there so I just stuck with the same old clothes. I was, am, constantly left with a feeling that I was not expressing the real me which was frustrating as people assume so much from your appearance. Now I realise I can dress how I feel quite inexpensively and ethically (Charity shops you hero! Sorry I was scared before!) but I have no sense of how to put the outfits I want to wear together. Having never been able to experiment with style before I now have no idea where to begin. If anyone wants to give me a makeover now is your time to speak up!!

Moving Forward

The above are just the highlights of what I’ve been thinking but basically there’s a lot of research, advice and ideas floating around my head and I’ve no idea which should be my next step. Sorry that this blog was a bit all over the place and rambly but I never said I was a great writer so feck off!

#bodyimage #bodyconfidence #selfdevelopment #beingyourself #loveyourself #selfesteem #exercise