Pandemic Problems

Ooh lockdown is a bit of a nightmare for body image isn’t it? I don’t know about you but I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions when it comes to my body during all of this. I alternate between feeling great to feeling like a disgusting blob so quickly that some days it can be overwhelming and the shift back to thinking positive can be equally as dramatic.

A lot of it is linked to the lack of moving I am doing. I am so used to running all over London, up and down tube steps, from job to job to now being, suddenly, so sedentary all of the time. Naturally, this reduction in movement is going to lead to changes in my body. Most obviously weight gain. Now, all my years of training, a.k.a. all my years of living, have taught me that weight gain is bad. That fat is bad. That an increase in fat is the worst thing that could ever possibly happen to you in your entire life!!! On my good days, I am able to say to myself - Amy, there is so much bad shit happening in your life right now, your weight is the least of your problems. Whereas, on my bad days, I say to myself Amy there is so much bad shit happening in your life right now AND you’ve put on weight.

In both these versions of myself I see weight gain as a problem and that’s a problem. If I look in the mirror and see more fat I immediately associate myself with all the usual messed up negative attributes that are assigned to fat people (lazy, unintelligent , unattractive etc.) which my logical mind knows not to be true but she decides to leave every time I look in a mirror.

I feel guilty about this because, as anyone who has read the blog before will know, I believe that tackling fatphobia is the way for me (and us all!) to find acceptance, possibly love, of my body. When I go into these cycles, I find it extra hard as I feel like I am going back on all the work I have been advocating for. I feel like I am not practicing what I preach. I feel guilty as well as sad. This also triggers huge mental health spirals too.

I have been thinking about why I have been regressing so much to this negative place and I think it might be because it’s safe. My body started to hate itself very early on, probably as a protection method, but over time it became hugely damaging and hugely familiar. It was a constant in my life until 4 years ago. Now, in this time of global pandemic, job uncertainty, financial fuckery, when so much is unknown, my body is reverting back to its safety zone. I don’t know if this is true but it sounds plausible so I am going with it.

It’s been so quick to go back into this safety zone because I have just let myself. I haven’t been engaging with fat activists, listening to the podcasts I usually would, reading the books I normally would etc. and without doing any of the work I just slip so easily back to the default.

And yes it sucks, that after four years, my default is still quite negative but it’s not all doom and gloom. I went to the seaside recently (socially distant of course!). I was swimming in the sea on my own so I had to do the long walk out, back to our blanket solo which in the past would have just triggered all of my most negative thoughts but the next day I realised I hadn’t thought once about how shit I must look in a swimming togs walking up that beach. Probably because I looked fabulous as you can see.

So it's not all negative all of the time but I am finding it harder to get out of the negative mindset. Out of the safety zone. Especially with suggestions of weighing children in schools and the government bringing up the strain of obesity on the NHS (not mentioning the lack of funding and the privatisation that they are casually doing in the background but yeah fat people are the problem. I will be writing a separate blog about this.) and further reinforcing this false idea that weight gain is bad, weight loss is good.

The only way I know of to get out of this mindset is to blog about it and do the work. In order to dig back into the work, I have bought some books (Happy Fat and Fat Activism) and Sofie Hagen's show 'How to be Happy Fat' which I highly recommend and they are also doing another one soon about Health and Fat which I will definitely be checking out. In fact Sofie's entire website has now become a wealth of resources for me so hopefully, it might be beneficial to you too. I have also started listening to Christy Harrisons podcast Food Pysch which is UNBELIEVABLE and highly recommend it.

I don’t really know what my point is to all of this. Probably that finding body acceptance is messy and requires work and throwing a pandemic on top of that multiplies everything by a million. So let’s all take a breath, start learning again and be kind.