She's Going Through Changes

My body has changed. I think everyone’s body has this year. Food and drink have become a comfort blanket in these troubling times. Some of us, and by that I mean me, have not moved as much. Going outside has felt scary, like a huge hassle and boring to me this year. Something that has felt very strange because a life spent in black box theatres means I usually relish any chance to be outside, even if it normally results in burnt Irish skin.

Needless to say, as a result, my body has changed and not just on the outside. My inner world has been changing a lot. Physically, my water intake has increased and my body doesn’t really know what to do with it. It’s not had a lot of experience with this thing called water. It’s very familiar with its mates, tea and alcohol, and knows exactly how to treat them when they come to town but not water. My body is a big fan of the H2O, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t quite trust that it’s going to stick around long term so it’s stocking it up in bloated belly land until it’s sure.

My thoughts have changed too. They have welcomed a new woman to town. Positive Pauline has strolled on in and she isn’t leaving anytime soon. She’s not the quickest off the mark, our Pauline, so sometimes the old staples get their negative thoughts in there first. She gets there though, dropping that second thought and wiping the floor with it. Pauline has been working her socks off actually for a long time and trying to get her own prime parking spot in my head and I'm beginning to feel that she may have finally got her way.

Right now, I feel the most beautiful I have ever felt. Despite my body not looking the best it’s ever looked I feel so content in myself right now. Honestly, I am checking myself in the mirror and my first thought is usually “Holey Moley Fleming! You are looking well today”. I am sorry if this makes me sound like an arrogant prick but it’s such a new experience for me plus I write an entire blog about myself so you should have spotted that I was an arrogant prick before now.

All the other voices are of course chipping in with, “What? With your body like that?” or “Are you sure? Have you not seen the cellulite there?” and me and Pauline just stick another hair clip in and go “Oh yeah. We mean it. Amy Fleming is looking well today.”

Now, I am not saying this happens everyday. The other evening, I had an absolute meltdown when yet another wedding dress looked like shite on me. Mainly because of the absolute hassle of trying to find one online when you are skint and not a size 8 and because an entire industry has been built on telling us what we “should” look like on our big day and while I think all of that’s bollocks, I am falling into it hook, line and sinker. I texted a long rant to my best mate and I cried on my partner’s leg. I was upset because I was upset. It was ridiculous.

But it feels important to mark the changes, especially when the theme of the month is change. When I started this whole deep dive into my body image issues, I never thought I would look in a mirror and genuinely think that I looked pretty (as vain as that sounds) and I also never thought that it wouldn’t matter. That’s the really cool thing. Thinking about how ugly and undesirable I was used to take up so much of my time. Like all of it. Now when I catch myself in the mirror, I have a moment of feeling good and then I forget about it and dig into what I want to learn, research, make or do that day. It doesn’t take up any further thoughts.

But, now, Amy. Not trying to be bad but you write a blog about how you feel about your body. You have an instagram account that requires you to think about your body for long periods of time. I am pretty sure you still think about your body all of the time.

Fair point.

However, it’s different. I now think about my body from a place of curiosity rather than punishment. I am interested in myself. That may be narcissistic, but I spent so much of my life completely disconnected from myself and it did me absolutely no favours. So being obsessed with myself for a little bit seems like a fair trade.

In my life, I have seen hundreds of sunsets on instagram with the words, “You have to change yourself before you can change the world” pasted over them and as much as I love a good inspirational quote, I never fully grasped this one. However, in the last year, I have been able to spend a lot more time on the blog and researching and reflecting on these issues, more time being interested in myself basically and I have learned so much more about the world, how systemic these issues are and how I can perhaps make a difference. As a result, I have felt like a whole person, a real person, rather than a shell of a human. In fully letting myself connect with who I am, I feel more connected to other people. Stick that on an instagram sunset.

In short, it feels like a lot of fundamental shifts are happening for me, in terms of my body image and self-worth, this year. A bit like a dump truck unloading. Everything has come out slowly at first but now it’s getting to the bottom, everything is speeding out.

I am sure that this isn’t the only load to be dumped. I am sure this won’t be the only change. I am sure that my body won’t always look this way. I am sure I will find a wedding dress.

I am sure that by changing ourselves, we can change the world.