The Sunshine Fat Blues

What beautiful bank holiday weather we have just had. Absolutely stunning. Absolutely triggering. I thought I had solved Summer. Last year I was able to get my legs out, wear strapless dresses, stroll about openly in a bikini but it seems the mighty tables have turned this year. I mean I am still able to get my legs out without covering them in tanned coloured tights but man, have I felt fat the last few days and ergo sad. Every time I feel fat, I feel like I leap backward years in progress. I feel guilty for letting myself down, for feeling that being fat is a bad thing, for making my boyfriend delete photos or not post photos because I look fat in them and for disappointing the people who have taken positives from my development. It's a downward spiral that engulfs me very quickly. 

I feel that growing up in the 90's and binge watching on makeover shows has left me with this idea that there is a nice little narrative to overcoming problems. You notice it, you fix it, you live happily ever after (unless you don't like the colour your neighbours have painted your living room). Even Naked Beach which is fast becoming my favourite ever TV Show (WATCH IT NOW!) leaves you with a feeling that four days in a luxury villa and getting your bits out will mean all your body image problems are solved.

The reality is not so neatly packaged. I go back and forward ALL THE TIME. It is upsetting and a pain in the arse quite frankly so I am trying to find ways to put myself back in the positive place so that when I look in the mirror I can think “You are actually quite pretty you know that?”. I have yet to find the dream “Okay this is what you need to do when you feel this way” plan so I am trying some things out. If any of you have tactics that work for you please share them with me!

Some things I am trying at the minute:

1. Being my own Best Friend I imagine one of my closest friends saying the things that I say to myself and then imagine what advice I would give her and then repeat that advice to myself. Very 'Inception-like'. It is usually very nice and supportive and a lot less mean than what I say to myself. If nothing else it instantly relaxes me and stops the spiral getting too out of hand.
   

2. Naked Time Inspired by Naked Beach (told you it's a great show) I am spending some time looking at myself naked everyday. This is in very early stages but expect a blog post on it in the future.
   

3. Exercise Ban Oh boy, am I feeling the allure of the 'Get back into exercise and you'll lose weight' voice in my head. It is very strong right now so I have banned myself. I am not allowed to do exercise unless it is for the right reasons – health, mood booster, learning a new skill etc. Easy you say yet years of being horrible to myself means I am very good at lying to myself. I can convince myself that I am doing it for my mood and there's a little giggle in the back of my brain saying 'but more importantly you'll lose weight'. If I think that I don't do it or don't do it until that thought is gone. If I am ever going to be happy in my skin I need to do it at all levels of weight so conquering this 'exercise =weight loss association' is main priority.

I know some of this post may sound like things I have said before but the one thing I know is that repetition is the key to change. Our brain chemistry changes when we repeat behaviour often. We change when we repeat behaviour often. I want to change ergo I repeat.