This Is My Dance Space

This is the final post in my series on Taking Up Space (for now!). Reflecting back on this month and all the tasks, poetry, quotes, interviews, yoga etc. that have been part of it, I have found that most of it has involved thinking about my internal space (not a vagina euphemism thank you!). This is probably due to the global pandemic and the lack of venturing into the space outside but I have mostly found myself turning inward and thinking about the space inside.

I have been looking at how I make my inner self a nice person to hang out with all the time and trying to combat my negative self talk with a. friendlier voice who is definitely getting stronger. This involves a lot of catching myself when a negative thought comes floating by and turning it into a positive one - a trick I have learned from a brilliant book called The Artist’s Way. Basically, any time you have a negative thought about yourself, write it down and see how you can turn it into a positive thought. For example, “Ugh, I am so rubbish at yoga” changes to “I am engaging in a new practice and investing in myself long term”. I started doing this at the end of December and already I am finding myself doing this automatically in my head rather than writing it down.

I am not saying we should turn all sad feelings/thoughts into positive ones because a) it's not always that easy and b) I think sad feelings are very important in understanding ourselves and to being an empathetic person. Instead, I think this exercise is useful for easing the bullying thoughts that often accompany sadness or that just crop up randomly to sabotage you when you are feeling great .

I have really been enjoying the yoga and breath work I spoke about in my last blog. The sensation of those tiny spaces inside starting to relax and stretch out is quite addictive actually and every single time, something new happens. I am also enjoying just spreading out. Pre-pandemic so much of my time was spent packed into tubes or squeezing around a table in a bar, I am really enjoying the opportunity to be at home and take up so much space. This has also extended to my million notebooks and books… a fact that does not please my partner.

Which brings me to sharing space. Sharing space has been an interesting one to think about this month. I do not yet have “A Room of One’s Own” but I am very lucky in that me and my co-captain for life share our own space and we are generally quite considerate of each other's space (Exceptions: see my aforementioned notebook comment and his ability to empty his pockets in every room of the house. The man needs a handbag.). However, we did visit my family in Ireland for several months for family reasons and that was five adults in a small house with one toilet. That was a real challenge in terms of taking up space as my instinct was definitely to retreat. I was in someone else’s space after all. Plus, it doesn't help that I am terrified of the family dog so it was better to be out of the way so that the dog could live his normal life. Asking someone to remove the family pet so that I could come into the room instead was super uncomfortable for me. Who did I think I was, taking space from poor Rascal?

Which also got me thinking about, if I am taking up space here, who am I taking space away from? Does someone have to give their space up for me to be there? Is there enough space for all of us? Has this space been created for all of us? I think alongside simply taking up space there is a responsibility to think about what sort of space you are creating, how you are filling that space and who you are sharing that space with. I don’t think it is simply enough for me to take up space, it has to offer space for others to share.

Which is what I am trying to create online with My Body My Me now. This digital space started as a way for me to hold myself accountable but now, I feel it is really becoming a community space where we are having conversations that we may not have had before, trying things that are new to us and sharing what’s been helpful with the aim of helping each other in our growth and healing. I have been thinking a lot about this space on the world wide web and what it should be for a while. I didn’t want it to be full of my face, not because I am ashamed of my face, but because it didn’t feel like it only belonged to me. Obviously, I am only speaking from my own experience, as that is all I can do, and my posts are the bulk of the posts but I want it to feel like a space where everyone can share their experiences too. Hopefully, my space is becoming our space. Do you think this was what Tom wanted all along?*

*joke for the oldies to end today’s musings.