Wibbly Wobbly Wonder

Recent blogs have been focusing a lot on exercise and my mentality around that so I thought I'd check in with how I am feeling about myself aesthetically. At the minute I am going through a time period that a lot of insecure women find difficult – Summer. The time of the hated heat which means less layers, more exposed lumps and bumps and the emergence of all the beautiful women from their winter lairs with their perfectly highlighted 'oh I just woke up like this' messy hair, perfectly toned everything, perfectly painted toenails and perfectly white teeth. I both love and loathe them. 

This Summer is obviously my first Summer since birthday bikini gate and I am on an actual holiday (rare in freelance poverty land) so naturally, I felt a self-pressure to wear a bikini. Now like most women, my weight naturally fluctuates. At the minute, I am bigger than I was when I did my bikini challenge - not by much physically but in my head it's a HUGE difference. I am battling a lot with my head space right now. I am constantly looking in the mirror and at holiday pictures and only seeing a fat girl. I am not seeing myself for who I am - as in the girl having a joyful time on holidays who is experiencing incredible things. Plus I am seeing fat as a negative thing and not as a celebration of eating and drinking the tastiest things (mainly Mexican food - man is it good here).

Obviously, I don't want to be doing this. I have been working very hard not to be doing this anymore and that work continues here everyday. I am constantly checking the language that I am using with myself, reminding myself of my worth and the positives about myself and it's exhausting. Some days I just want to wallow in the old way of thinking. It's so much easier. But I know if I do, I'll look back on this holiday and regret so much of it. Instead I am pushing through. I am wearing that bikini on a beach full of people and reminding myself how fabulous I am, I am putting on sunscreen in full view of other people and letting them see my belly and thighs wobble as I do, I am not comparing myself to the beach beauties with the tiny bikinis and sports illustrated worthy bodies (well trying not to) and I am acknowledging my fat as a celebration of how lucky I am to have food, to have the ability to over-indulge, to have the opportunity to relax on the sand instead of walking miles for basic needs.

All of this has meant that I am reflecting quite a bit on the thigh gap. I have never craved that huge thigh gap that a lot of girls envy. I genuinely believe this is because when I was very young I saw a picture in one of my Mam's women's magazines of a woman suffering with anorexia. I remember being horrified by the skeletal nature of her body and in particular the distance between her legs. When I was older and the thigh gap sensation took over instagram, all I could see was that woman. It was never something I envied. Sure I wished that I didn't get thigh rub burns or chaffing but I liked chunky thighs. They felt powerful especially when I ran at full pelt or walked fast (a rare occurrence). I used to hate they way they spread when you sit down especially in shorts on public transport but a wonderful women recently said to me “That's your goodness spreading” which just makes sitting down a wonderful experience now.

So as I looked at the white, wobbly, whales that are my thighs on holidays I realised how great they are, how much they do for me, how feral they are, how wild, how strong, how supportive, how necessary and how much of me they make up. My thighs are a huge part of me and that's how I want them to stay. Huge and strong.

That's what I see when I look at these holiday photos today. Not the fat girl but the strong wild girl with the powerful, beautiful, wobbly thighs. 

Let's hope tomorrow is the same.